Q:I was born a female and I identify as female, but I like to dress like a boy sometimes, or like a girl, and sometimes I dress like both. I have been identifying as queer because I am confused about the whole "pan-sexuality vs. Bisexuality" debate. I kind of don't want to be a boy or a girl, but at the same time I am still in the closet about everything. I am really confused and stressed out.
I can’t tell you whether or not you’re trans—that’s up to you alone! I know that stress and confusion to some extent, and what helped me was reading about the experiences of other trans people, primarily DAFAB ones because I’m also DAFAB. That research helped me come to a conclusion and was tremendously helpful, though it’s important to remember that every trans person has their own unique experience.
You’re allowed to explore and experiment with your gender, gender presentation, and sexuality, as well as the labels you choose (or don’t choose) to attach to it, even if you’re still in the closet. You might consider setting up a separate blog (if you aren’t out on your main one) and see what it’s like when people refer to you with different pronouns, names, etc. See what you’re most comfortable with and remember that it’s always OK to change, since you change too as you develop as a person!
Q:Hey, I'm a trans guy and I need some advice. I've gotten to the point where I pass so well that I sometimes scare the girls in the women's restroom (not on purpose of course). I guess I should be happy that I pass, but I'm getting to be really uncomfortable in the women's restroom. I don't like panicking about possibly getting kicked out and it upsets me, but I'm not comfortable enough to go into the guys restroom yet. Is there anything I can do to make public restrooms less of a nightmare?
The most obvious solution is to seek out gender-neutral, family, or single-stall bathrooms. They can be difficult to find, and sometimes you’ll have to go out of your way to get to them, but it would help you avoid that uncomfortable position. There are also bathrooms that are less-frequented, usually on the second floors of buildings or higher.
For what it’s worth, as someone who was in the exact same situation, more often than not the folks who are in the men’s room really don’t care/look too closely. Nobody talks to each other in the men’s room either, at least never to strangers except to say “excuse me” or something, and in most places men talking to each other while they’re in the bathroom is seen as “weird.” (Speaking from personal experience: Once me and two other trans guys came out of the men’s room together talking to each other and we got some VERY strange looks from the presumably cis girls in the hallway.)
Just walking in confidently with the mindset that this IS the bathroom you use helps a lot. You can also have a friend who’s comfortable taking a look inside scout out the bathroom and see how frequented it is, whether it actually has a stall, whether the stall has a locking door (bars are notorious for not having doors on their stalls), etc. You can also have that person come in with you in case something does happen. That may help your discomfort a lot, at least.
But as always, put your safety first. Use your judgment and watch for signs that a bathroom isn’t going to be safe, like if there are drunks around or people making queerphobic or otherwise bigoted remarks.
Q:are nsfw comics okay
That depends entirely on the purpose of any NSFW aspects. Comics that are obviously meant to be pornographic won’t be accepted, but if any NSFW parts of the comic have another purpose, that’s fine. And yeah, that’s an unfortunately hard-to-define line, since it’s based on our interpretation. If you want to be safe, you can explain certain aspects of the comic in the text box so we know for-sure what’s meant to be going on.
Comics with nudity will be tagged as “nsfw” for those who don’t want to see it.
Q:I just recently got an underworks binder. I was wondering if anyone else experienced an issue with the material rubbing their knuckles while trying to get binders on/off? In just the two times I've used it it's rubbed my knuckles raw :(. Any advice to avoid this in the future? (wearing gloves makes it too hard to hold on to the binder to pull it on...I tried that lol)
what i do is i put it over my head like a shirt, but i put my arms through the holes first and pull it down over my head, then adjust as needed, and to pull it off i just pull it from the bottom until it’s over my head. you might have a different binder than i do as well, so i’m not sure how to help beyond that. i have the kind that kind of looks like a tank top, so it has the stretchy material on the outside that’s not part of the actual binding material. can anyone else help this anon?
Q:I'm the anon that was desperate for a name, and I think I might have found one, so thanks for all the help
I’m glad to hear that, anon!
Q:1/1 I am an openly transgender leader of a student organization at my university. It's early in the year, so we've got new freshmen and transfers who've joined our group. Every time another new face shows up at meetings, I make it a point to have everyone introduce themselves with at least their own name and gender pronouns. Every time this one new member, an obviously cisgender freshman, introduces himself, he says to use "whatever pronouns, I don't care" and it bothers me and a couple others
2/2. quite a bit. I’ve been meaning to sit down and talk with him about why using correct pronouns are important and that what he’s saying is missing this goal and making it all seem trivial for the rest of the group. I’m having a difficult time forming the words to adequately explain it, though. Would you help me explain the problem? Thanks a lot!!!
Agh, this sort of thing bothers me as well. That said, I think what you’ve said to me here-that it makes that part of the introductions trivial—is perfectly fine. You can also explain that for many folks, being called the wrong pronoun can bring up intense feelings of dysphoria or make them upset, and that the organization is meant to be a safe place for those people, so the pronoun introduction is very important. By trivializing pronouns like he’s doing, he’s subsequently trivializing calling people by the correct pronouns.
I’d also experiment a little in seeing how he reacts when you call him “she” (after the introductions are all finished); if he does end up caring, perhaps he’ll be more mindful during introductions. Or if he doesn’t, perhaps he isn’t quite as cisgender as you thought.
Q:okay so when my friend came out as a boy i sometimes would use her/she pronouns by mistake and wouldn't realize but then as weeks when on if i used the wrong pronouns i would correct myself right away but now my friends angry at me bc sometime i say she/her and he's not talking to me bc i'm disrespecting him and don't care about him apparently and he was texting me how his new friends dont even make mistakes like what do i do? ://
Just continue to get in the habit of using your friend’s correct pronouns. Practice if you have to. Remember that ultimately the one hurt the most by incorrect pronouns is your friend; if he’s feeling hurt by being around you when you use the wrong pronouns, it’s pretty reasonable that he wouldn’t want to be around.
I’m not sure how you reacted whenever your other friends corrected you, but if you were defensive, that’s not a good way to react. Own up to any mistakes you make and actually work to correct them, and don’t make excuses (such as “but I knew him before” or “it’s so hard to get used to” or laughing it off and acting like it’s not a big deal).
The vast majority of trans people realize that it’s difficult to get used to using new pronouns for people, and will forgive the periodic mistake if it’s corrected, even though it can be hurtful. Since your friend decided to stop being in contact with you after several weeks, it probably means that he perceives you as not trying enough to respect him. Apologize, remember that it’s not about you, prove that you DO respect him and want to be his friend, and make a genuine effort.
Q:Do you know a good place to get binders for plus sized people? I have a 110 cm bust and the biggest ones i found were 80 cm
Underworks’ ultimate chest binder tank has sizes that fit people up to 150cm. The issue with that one is that the entire thing is made out of the binding material, but they do have the cotton concealer chest binder (fits folks up to 140cm), which has a relaxed midsection so your stomach won’t be compressed. I’m sure Underworks has some other models for larger people, so giving their other products a look should be fruitful.
Q:So I've recently discovered that HRT could ACTUALLY be in the near future for me.. if I take the step. I've come to hate myself so deeply as a transguy that I feel like I dont really deserve to make this exciting new change in my life. I always end up convincing myself that I'm never going to be happy with my body no matter what I do and that I'm going to regret transitioning once it's happened. I'm stuck. I'm wondering if this isn't an uncommon thing for transpeeps? Anyone else feel this angry?
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this sort of anxiety, anon, but I am happy that HRT is accessible to you! I can’t tell you the future, but I do know that the vast majority of trans people who do take HRT (it’s something like 96% or higher last I saw) end up being the happiest about undergoing it in the first place. Surgical procedures have similarly high satisfaction rates, too. Of course, those percentages don’t necessarily mean anything to you as an individual person; if you do start HRT, it may be beneficial to you, or it might not be, or it might be something you’re ambivalent towards. Ultimately it’s down to your feelings alone.
For what it’s worth, most of the trans people I personally know ended up being OK with parts of their body after being on hormones for a while, or their dysphoria (if they had it) became more focused on a specific part (to speak from my own experiences, after being on T for a while, I became more and more uncomfortable with my chest).
Also remember that HRT isn’t necessarily permanent. I know several people who have started testosterone to get specific changes—like the deeper voice, facial hair, etc.—and then stopped. (Though if someone were to undergo any sort of hysterectomy or orchiectomy, they would have to replace their sex hormones somehow to avoid osteoporosis.)
That said, I’d recommend questioning why you harbor such self-hate. It’s likely that you’ve internalized a lot of transphobic messages about what makes a person a “real man” or what makes a body a “good body.” If you’ve been seeing a therapist, you may want to ask them how you can get over these emotions, or at least work to make them less prevalent in your life.
I’d also recommend reading the transitioning blogs of other trans men to see how their emotions changed after being on HRT, having surgery, etc. That way, you can get a feel for how their perceptions of their bodies and how their gender identity relates to that.
Remember, though, that you are deserving of whatever treatment you need to feel more comfortable with your body, whether that’s HRT, surgery, or whatever. I hope you feel better soon, Anon!
Q:im a trans guy and i feel insecure. i hear stories about trans people which start when they're toddlers and they always liked toys and clothes associated with the opposite sex. but ive never disliked girly things, and for most of my life i was fine just being a girl. now that i identify as male, its like im diving headfirst into the unknown. ive never been male before. all my memories are me being female. i cant just disconnect from that instantly. what should i do?
Remember that what we deem “feminine” and “masculine” are social constructions set by society’s implicit “rules” on what it means to be a man or woman. This means that they can change relatively rapidly and aren’t set in stone—for instance, in Victorian England, the name “Shirley” was typically reserved for men until the book Shirley was written, with a main female character named Shirley. Suddenly, “Shirley” became a popular name for girls and has been ever since.
Because of this, our “gendered” interests, hobbies, and activities aren’t actually all that gendered. A cisgender man who enjoys dolls and baking and makeup isn’t suddenly less of a man, so transgender men who enjoy the same things aren’t less male, either, even if you have that history. Also remember that before information could spread quickly, nobody really knew that being trans was even possible, so there are a lot of older trans people who lived 40, 50, even 60 or more years in a gender they no longer identify with.
You don’t necessarily have to immediately disconnect from your “female” past, and you don’t necessarily have to disconnect from it at all if that’s what you’re comfortable doing. There are also a lot of trans men who found support and pride in the lesbian community and who are still proud of that connection, so who can deny them those positive experiences and memories? Many trans people will also personally identify as a “former man/woman” or say they “used to be a man/woman,” and if that’s what works for them, that’s their right; if you’re comfortable with that, it’s OK!
Transitioning is a process and not something that happens all at once; take your time with it to learn things about yourself, and enjoy the ride!