Q:I saw an ooold post about someone saying they used to identify as FtM, but due to people telling them they're "not trans enough" they stopped. I get why people get mad about it, but honestly - if you are able to stop identifying as FtM (or MtF) and feel comfortable with your body and whatnot, then it might be not worth putting yourself in a risk to change sex. We encouter a lot of difficulties worse than someone telling you you're "not trans enough" after all, yet we don't change our minds.
I don’t think it’s a “becoming comfortable with your body/designated sex and gender identity” thing, but rather that it’s a “these people clearly aren’t accepting me and are being malicious to me so maybe it’s just better to go back into the closet and deny what’s going on here because I feel that I have no support even in the trans community” thing.
I’m not sure what happened with the specific person you’re talking about, and I can’t speak for them, but I believe that the majority of the time it’s what I described above.
You’re right, we do face bigger problems than the policing of our identities. That doesn’t change the fact that this IS a problem in the community, and that it should stop completely.
Q:@dmrichards: If someone asks me surgery questions, I get pretty flustered, too--but I find a nice short answer that usually shuts people up and gets them to think is "Gimme one good reason why I should even answer that." Thanks for the *toon.
This is a great response to the infamous surgery question, thank you!
Q:I came out as FtM not too long ago and they flipped out..I'm going to be in and out of hospitals/counseling, they're forcing me to wear girly clothes, grow my hair out, and I don't know what to do...
I’m sorry for the situation you’re in, Anon. My guess is that you’re not in a position where you can move out, whether for your age or not having enough money, so at this point you might consider speaking to them and explaining to them where you’re coming from. If you’re in any danger, do you have supportive friends you could probably go to? I’m terribly sorry for not being more helpful but I honestly don’t know what help to give you. Best of luck and I sincerely hope that things get better for you.
Q:I recently came out to my mother as an FtM and she seemed pretty chill about it but she still uses female pronouns and my birth name (which is understandable since I haven't told her my preferred name). How I tell her how I which to be preferred as (male pronouns with my preferred name being Raphael or Raph for short)? She's pretty sick right now so I probably won't tell her just yet, but I still want to be prepared.
Since you mentioned that she seems pretty accepting about you being trans, it would probably be pretty easy to get her on board with using the right pronouns and name for you. You could just explain to her that your name/pronouns are another aspect of being trans, and explain why it’s important to be called the right name/pronouns.
Also keep in mind that it might be difficult for her to use the right pronouns at first, but politely correcting her when she slips up helps fix that. If she’s OK with it, I’d also recommend using a pronoun/name jar—each time she slips up and calls you the wrong pronouns/name, she has to put a little change in a jar for you. My family used this and it helped them quite a bit.
Q:If Cisphobia doesn't exist, then why do so many people claim to be cisphobic? And why is it acceptable to categorize cis people to some members of the trans community? I am so curious on this subject.
I don’t know if you’re cis or trans, but to be honest, I’m assuming you’re cis.
- For the most part, the trans folks who claim to be “cisphobic” are doing so in a tongue-in-cheek way. It usually implies that they don’t have time for ignorant cis people, and that they aren’t going to coddle cis people, or be patient with uneducated ones who happen to say ridiculously bigoted or hurtful things. Essentially, trans people who claim to be “cisphobic” have no time for BS from cis people. Which is their right; nobody is obligated to educate you, especially since you’re sitting on some device that probably has Google or some other search engine on it.
- I’m unsure of what you mean by “categorizing” cis people to some members of the trans community, and frankly, I’ve never seen anyone doing this, except to warn other trans people about who to avoid (e.g. “Bugbrennan is a TERF, avoid her” or “The president of my PFLAG chapter is a wonderful ally to trans people; she actively works with us to push for trans-positive legislation, provides resources and support to trans people, and fights against transphobia, plus she doesn’t expect cookies and backpats from us”).
Bottom Line: No, cisphobia isn’t real. At all. In any single society. Just because a trans person was snarky about cis people, or just because a trans person expressed their frustration about cis people being ignorant, bigoted, literally murderous, or having a LOT of privileges that trans people do not have, does not mean that cisphobia exists. The fact that you can turn off your computer to get away from any perceived “cisphobia” proves that “cisphobia” is a fallacy invented by transphobic boneheads who don’t know what the word “oppression” actually means.
The occasional “cis ppl suck and I hate them all” on the internet will never be as bad as cis people firing trans people because they’re trans, beating trans people because they’re trans, refusing lifesaving medical care to trans people because they’re trans, and literally murdering trans people because they’re trans, as well as a SLEW of other awful, vicious things.
Q:I identify as genderqueer- biologically female, but I want to pass as male. Still figuring out long-term, just wondering if you have any suggestions or resources for looking and coming across as a guy- without compromising my identity.
I’d recommend looking up guides on “how to pass,” like this one on WikiHow, and pick and choose what tips you think will be useful, but still allow you to express your gender ID to your preferences. Be warned, you can’t control other people’s perceptions of you, and while you might “pass” to one person, another might perceive you a different way (which is why I, personally, don’t exactly believe in “passing”). It might take some experimenting, too.
Q:I identify as male but am biologically female/my gender expression is feminine. I don't plan to undergo any hormone treatment or surgery in the future for a myriad of reasons. I am also only out to some close friends about my gender identity. I attend a university where casual sex is pretty normal. So my question is, am I MORALLY obligated/expected to tell any sexual partner I have about my gender identity? If a casual sex relationship were to become more serious, how do I approach the topic?
It’s my opinion that there isn’t a moral obligation to disclose your trans identity to anyone you have casual sex with, unless it’s personally very important to you. I’m really not the person to be asking about serious relationships, so I would recommend asking other folks about that. I also recommend seeing if Fuck Yeah Sex Education has either some articles on the topic, or if they can provide some advice for you!
Always remember to put your safety first though, anon. If you feel like you’d be in danger by disclosing your trans status to a casual sex partner, it’s probably best to not mention it. And like I said, I’m not going to pretend to know much about serious encounters and disclosure, so you may want to try another resource for advice with that. Best of luck!
Q:I identify as a Non-Binary Other (I intensely dislike the phrase "third gender" because of it's racist connotations hence the more clunky description but I digress). I was wondering if there are any sites/blogs/forums that are specifically for people like me. All of the non-binary spaces I've found cater more towards agender and genderfluid individuals.
Our resources page has a few blogs dedicated to non-binary identities, though it hasn’t been updated in a long time, so some of the sites may be dead. There’s also a subreddit dedicated to genderqueer identities, which may have users with a similar identity to yours who can provide advice/conversation/etc. It may be difficult to find a site that specifically caters to people with a similar identity to yours since there’s so much variation in non-binary gender identities, so I would recommend finding a “general non-binary” forum and seeing if there are subforums that are specifically for certain non-binary genders.
Q:i dunno if i'm too late for the neutral name thing, but i was born with the name charlie and it tends to be neutral!
Q:To the agender name: If you like Charlie, take that name. I got a new question: I'm no native english speaker and wasn't aware that Charlie is a gender neutral name. Is it really, or is there a tendency to interprete it as a male name? Is there a list with neutral names somewhere?
For what it’s worth, I’m a native English speaker and I also was under the impression that Charlie is interpreted as a mostly male name. I think it’s used as a female name, but rarely. The “gender” of names change a lot over time, plus location factors in as well—for instance, before the novel Shirley was published (which had a female main character), Shirley was most often used as a male name in Victorian England. It was only until after its publication that it was used for girls (or, at least, DAFAB babies).
Generally, baby name websites have a little gender indicator next to names in a list. If it can be used for both I’m pretty sure the symbol is usually a little purple or grey circle. So those websites can be useful for finding neutral names, too!