Q:Do you know a good place to get binders for plus sized people? I have a 110 cm bust and the biggest ones i found were 80 cm
Underworks’ ultimate chest binder tank has sizes that fit people up to 150cm. The issue with that one is that the entire thing is made out of the binding material, but they do have the cotton concealer chest binder (fits folks up to 140cm), which has a relaxed midsection so your stomach won’t be compressed. I’m sure Underworks has some other models for larger people, so giving their other products a look should be fruitful.
Q:So I've recently discovered that HRT could ACTUALLY be in the near future for me.. if I take the step. I've come to hate myself so deeply as a transguy that I feel like I dont really deserve to make this exciting new change in my life. I always end up convincing myself that I'm never going to be happy with my body no matter what I do and that I'm going to regret transitioning once it's happened. I'm stuck. I'm wondering if this isn't an uncommon thing for transpeeps? Anyone else feel this angry?
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this sort of anxiety, anon, but I am happy that HRT is accessible to you! I can’t tell you the future, but I do know that the vast majority of trans people who do take HRT (it’s something like 96% or higher last I saw) end up being the happiest about undergoing it in the first place. Surgical procedures have similarly high satisfaction rates, too. Of course, those percentages don’t necessarily mean anything to you as an individual person; if you do start HRT, it may be beneficial to you, or it might not be, or it might be something you’re ambivalent towards. Ultimately it’s down to your feelings alone.
For what it’s worth, most of the trans people I personally know ended up being OK with parts of their body after being on hormones for a while, or their dysphoria (if they had it) became more focused on a specific part (to speak from my own experiences, after being on T for a while, I became more and more uncomfortable with my chest).
Also remember that HRT isn’t necessarily permanent. I know several people who have started testosterone to get specific changes—like the deeper voice, facial hair, etc.—and then stopped. (Though if someone were to undergo any sort of hysterectomy or orchiectomy, they would have to replace their sex hormones somehow to avoid osteoporosis.)
That said, I’d recommend questioning why you harbor such self-hate. It’s likely that you’ve internalized a lot of transphobic messages about what makes a person a “real man” or what makes a body a “good body.” If you’ve been seeing a therapist, you may want to ask them how you can get over these emotions, or at least work to make them less prevalent in your life.
I’d also recommend reading the transitioning blogs of other trans men to see how their emotions changed after being on HRT, having surgery, etc. That way, you can get a feel for how their perceptions of their bodies and how their gender identity relates to that.
Remember, though, that you are deserving of whatever treatment you need to feel more comfortable with your body, whether that’s HRT, surgery, or whatever. I hope you feel better soon, Anon!
Q:im a trans guy and i feel insecure. i hear stories about trans people which start when they're toddlers and they always liked toys and clothes associated with the opposite sex. but ive never disliked girly things, and for most of my life i was fine just being a girl. now that i identify as male, its like im diving headfirst into the unknown. ive never been male before. all my memories are me being female. i cant just disconnect from that instantly. what should i do?
Remember that what we deem “feminine” and “masculine” are social constructions set by society’s implicit “rules” on what it means to be a man or woman. This means that they can change relatively rapidly and aren’t set in stone—for instance, in Victorian England, the name “Shirley” was typically reserved for men until the book Shirley was written, with a main female character named Shirley. Suddenly, “Shirley” became a popular name for girls and has been ever since.
Because of this, our “gendered” interests, hobbies, and activities aren’t actually all that gendered. A cisgender man who enjoys dolls and baking and makeup isn’t suddenly less of a man, so transgender men who enjoy the same things aren’t less male, either, even if you have that history. Also remember that before information could spread quickly, nobody really knew that being trans was even possible, so there are a lot of older trans people who lived 40, 50, even 60 or more years in a gender they no longer identify with.
You don’t necessarily have to immediately disconnect from your “female” past, and you don’t necessarily have to disconnect from it at all if that’s what you’re comfortable doing. There are also a lot of trans men who found support and pride in the lesbian community and who are still proud of that connection, so who can deny them those positive experiences and memories? Many trans people will also personally identify as a “former man/woman” or say they “used to be a man/woman,” and if that’s what works for them, that’s their right; if you’re comfortable with that, it’s OK!
Transitioning is a process and not something that happens all at once; take your time with it to learn things about yourself, and enjoy the ride!
Q:so a friend came out to me as trans... but she basically did it by pulling her pants down in front of me and like. i'm trans too, although i've always been out since i don't pass well enough to stealth, so i'm not transphobic but i felt super uncomfortable with her picking that way to show me she's not cis. is it wrong for me to be upset? like she knows i have a history of being assulted and i don't really wanna see those parts of anyone so I just felt like that was kinda rude?
Yeah, what she did isn’t acceptable at all, and it’s absolutely OK to be upset; you are not in the wrong here. I’d even consider what she did to be sexual harassment. It’s also very concerning to me that she knows about your history of assault, and still made that decision.
It’s entirely up to you what to do from here, but whatever decision you make, be sure it’s one your comfortable making, or at least the decision you feel best about making.
Q:Beings trans, is there an instance where the person doubts themselves? I'm trans but I've just been feeling weird and I think it's because I've been surrounded by people who are trying to tell me who to be, and because I haven't been necessarily had the resources to make me more comfortable within myself. I just want to know what does it mean if a trans person has doubts or whatever thank you
I think that with any queer identity, this is a really common thing. We live in a society that attacks people—particularly trans people—from all angles since we’re not allowed to exist. People are supposed to assume the gender role that was forced upon them at birth, and that’s that. “Boyish girls” are supposed to “straighten out” and become feminine by puberty, and “girlish boys” are rarely even given the chance to explore femininity on their on.
That said, it’s difficult to find support in mainstream society as a trans person. There are people who will ignore your gender identity and pull the “but you’re really…” card; this can be incredibly grating over time, and it’s not surprising that people have doubts about being trans because of it.
The most important advice I can give you is to, if you’re able, surround yourself with people who support you. This can be as simple as referring to you by your chosen name and pronouns, or helping you experiment with new names/pronouns, or talking it out with you. Ultimately, you’re the only one who can state whether or not you’re trans, so avoid people who attempt to push gender stereotypes or “standards” onto you (e.g. “If you were really a trans woman, you would hate your genitals,” or “real men like football”). I’m wishing you the best, anon!
Q:About the "they" anon. I, too, am a strict follower of English Grammatical Protocol, and technically it is grammatically incorrect, but there is no genderless, single pronoun in the english language as of now, so "they" is the closest we can get. I shudder to think we live in a world where arbitrary, irrelevant and largely unheard of grammatical rules are valued over the livelihood and well being of other individuals.
Yes, this is exactly right. The rules for grammar are not set in stone by any means; reading old English, for instance, is just like reading a completely different language (and, well, it was). Our languages’ rules change based on the needs and desires of the actual people who live in that society, but first they have to be broken.
Q:Can you make the gender neutral name master list that you said you were going to? I'm searching for a name, I just want to find something that clicks already. It's holding me back
Ras posted a bunch of gender-neutral names in a read more in a previous ask. There’s also a lot more here! I hope you find one that fits, anon!
[EDIT] marc i think this was that same anon omg. i thought marc had made a couple name lists before but i guess he hadn’t, either that or i didn’t see them. i know people’ve asked about name advice before… but i can try to assemble as many names as i can possibly find but it might take longer thanks to my mood drop today… sorry if it takes too long or anything. i suggest asking your friends about names they could imagine you having, if you can comfortably do that, or looking at family trees for names if you haven’t.
Q:I've been a cisgendered female since birth. I've always prefered hanging out with the boys, and I've never liked stuff "for girls" (dresses/skirts, dolls, makeup) (I started to take a liking to it recently though). I often fantasize about being a boy and having male genitalia. I thought I might identify as male, but I'm comfortable with my female body as it is, and it doesn't bother me identifying as female either. I don't want to switch, I just want to make people aware (cont. in next ask >>>)
(»>) that I don’t mind whatever they refer to me as (if you greet me with “Hey girl!” or “Hey boy!”, it doesn’t matter to me, I’d still happily answer “Sup!”). I believe the most appropiate identity for me would be bigendered/androgynous (?), but I’m scared I might not be accepted by the trans community, since most of them seem to be extreme cases who are stuck/trapped and don’t feel comfortable in their bodies. It’s just “I’m here, I’m both a girl and a boy at the same time”. What should I do?
If you feel the best way to identify yourself is bigender/androgynous, you’ve all the power to do so! You’re the only person who can determine your identity.
If you don’t immediately find the support you need in the trans community, remember that we’re fundamentally a group of individuals with unique experiences that influence our ideas on what “trans” is. Some very much subscribe to the idea of being “trapped,” but others do not for a lot of different reasons, whether they’re political or just plain personal. I’m absolutely certain that you’ll find a sub-group that welcomes you with open arms and camaraderie!
Q:How do you deal with a transphobic friend? I've told my friend that I was nonbinary a while back, (they didn't take it seriously, saying "but you have genitals, you know" and I recently just found out they are actually transphobic. I've been thinking about not talking to them because I don't like to associate with people like that, too bad everyone around me is like that.
If you want to remain friends with them, you can always say something along the lines of this: “I came out to you as nonbinary a while ago because it was important for me to let you know my identity, and who I am as a person. When you said “you have genitals” to me, it really hurt, and learning that you’re disrespectful to other people like me also made me feel bad. I really would like to stay friends with you, but if you don’t stop disrespecting me and people like me, I am uncomfortable being around you.”
You can really say whatever you want, but I personally recommend stating why you came out to them and why it’s important, what they’re doing that hurts you, what they can do to stop hurting you, and that you don’t want to be around you if they continue to hurt you. Be honest and up front with them—if you still feel uncomfortable around them because of their behavior, they need to know that. If they’re truly your friend, they’ll listen to you, take you seriously, and work to change for the better.
Of course, it’s entirely up to you whether or not you want to continue your friendship with this person. You get to choose your friends, and if you’re not having a good time with a person anymore, it’s OK to leave them for people who can actually support you. It’s also up to you to decide whether or not it’s worth taking the time to educate them on being less transphobic.